Friday, July 24, 2009


Alright settle down all of you who read this blog and fit in to the subset of people who constantly badger me and The Wife to have kids, she's not pregnant, not yet anyway. No this is about when we do have kids how i will be ready for the whole gamut of looking after young girls. I assume that with high spa usage i will be unable to have boys.

You see, The Wife, thoughtful and charming lady that she is, has me on a highly tailored and specialized training program for fatherhood. It helps that i am already one of those most irritating of people, a morning person. I also am pretty regimented in the mornings which makes things easier. I have also taken to making up and singing silly songs at the top of my voice to try and raise The Wife from the dead. Doesn't work.

The morning typically goes like this.

Alarm goes off, on a different floor so i make sure i get out of bed. I wander down, squeeze my glass of juice and drink it while i prepare The Wifes breakfast and juice. I take it upstairs to her and at this stage she is training me to deal with a cute 5 year old girl. She mumbles as i shake her and turns away, pulling the covers up over her head and curling into a ball. Ahh, so adorable, I'll give he a little more sleep.

I go off to make my breakfast and first cup of coffee and when i return The Wife has moved onto the thirteen year old training session. Along with bleary eyes and lethargic movements comes the vacant stare and the complaints. "its too early to be up", "it's too cold" and "can you get me a jumper". I pay little attention and read the online papers and the blogs before going and getting the large crowbar and forcing her from the bed.

The final stage is the sixteen year old girl. This is demonstrated by the 45min shower that follows being tossed out of bed. I feed all the animals and iron my shirt before claiming the shower for a quick rinse and I'm off to work. Its quite possible that by the time The Wife leaves for work she has gone back to her true age, but when i leave she is still standing in front of her clothes in a towel, absentmindedly picking at random bits of clothing.

Guess i'll just have to sing louder.


  1. ROFL good post mate. I'd empathise but I'm the one who usually needs dislodging from bed with a tactical nuclear warhead.

    Sing louder... or crank THIS through the Lantanaland stereo. Probot - a tactical nuclear warhead in musical form. Highly probable she'll fail to sleep through that. Divorce papers are also highly probable, but you get that on the big jobs.

  2. At the same time that you think you are experiencing girl raising activities, in the case that you do have a boy you are preparing her for boy raising activities.
    1. Displaying constant energy, from the moment you wake up in the morning.
    2. Ignoring her when she asks you to do something (like get her a jumper)
    3. Needing company and attention - "wake up"; "play with me"
    4. Making noises at inappropriate hours of the morning. No matter how clever your made up songs are, they are almost certainly not suitable to wake up to :-)


  3. It's all true.. boo hoo.. including the songs, that by the Kerri are far from clever (unlike this blog).

  4. Enough of the chit chat - give the wife a quick one and have some babies!

    Oh, and I'd appreciate a recording of 'the songs'.

  5. Your wife is wisely stocking up now on sleep, and banking a load of memories of sleep which will stand her in very good stead when you have children. She knows at genetic level that this is crucial to her future survival as a mother. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY JOIN HER as you will look back on those times when you could lie sloathfully between the covers contemplating reading the papers and getting croissant crumbs on the sheets, instead of having somebody fanning you with their hot breath at six in the morning and saying "Maaamaaaa, I am huuuuuungryyyyyyy". JOIN HER you madman. Or come round my place and let me have a lie in.